October FOCUS -

Bullying and Social Skills

Helping Your Child Navigate Through the Sometimes Rough Social Waters at School and in the Community

PEAK Points

(Helpful information you will find on the website this month)

A Message From Our Principal, Mr. Kendall

(Our Focus Article from the PEAK Newsletter)

What To Do If Your Child is Being Bullied

Bully Proofing Your Child For Back to School

Understanding and Dealing with Kids' Bullying Behavior

Bully-Proofing Our Kids

Nurturing Self-Esteem in Your Child

Raising Confident Kids

"To teach kids self-control, you must show kids self-control, so be a living example of self-control."  Michele Borba

A Message From Our Principal, Mr. Kendall 

When your child experiences some sort of conflict at school or in the neighborhood, the first question that comes to your mind as a parent is often, "Is my child being bullied?"  This is an important question, as the adult response to the situation may be quite different based on the answer.  It is important to realize that helping our children and students handle conflict is an important skill for them to learn and will be beneficial to them throughout their lives. Bullying, on the other hand, is a behavior that requires intervention by both parents and school staff.

The "Stop Bullying Now" campaign from the US Department of Health and Human Services defines bullying as "... aggressive behavior that is intentional, repeated over time, and involves an imbalance of power or strength."  At Roxborough, we believe that in order to reduce bullying behavior, we need to impact three different groups of students through instruction and intervention. 

The first concern in a bullying situation is protection and support of the victim.  While students that are having a non-bullying conflict may both learn from meeting together to "work it out," this approach may not be ideal in a bullying situation.  The imbalance of power in the relationship may cause any face-to-face meeting to increase the level of intimidation.  Victims need to feel safe, and adults must support the student to make sure this happens.

Secondly, the student who is displaying the bullying behavior needs to be held accountable for their actions.  The consequences for their behavior need to be logical, connected to the offense, and immediate.  Re-teaching of expectations and school rules needs to happen quickly, and may include further intervention to help them learn from the situation.

Finally, and often most importantly, school staff and parents need to build a culture of empathy, positive behavior, and support for all students.  At Roxborough, we develop this through the Positive Behavior Support System, "The Rattler Way," and a character education program called Second Step.  The Second Step program is taught to Kindergarten, 1^st, and 2^nd grades by Ms. Bachman and to 3^rd and 6^th graders by Ms. Bessette.  Developing a culture where bullying is not encouraged by those nearby helps to take away the power of the bully over their victim, and encourages students to step in when they see bullying behavior happening. 

While we know that our school does a great job building a culture where students are empowered to solve conflict and support each other, conflict does happen.  At Roxborough, we have developed a Student Conflict Manager program in 5^th grade that will assist students in solving conflicts throughout the school.  Additionally, if your student feels that the conflict he or she is experiencing could be classified as bullying, please give them the support they need to ask for help.  All staff members at Roxborough are committed to creating an environment where all students feel safe and can learn.  For more information, please visit the Stop Bullying Now! website:

"Stop Bullying Now!" U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/default.aspx

  What To Do If Your Child is Being Bullied

What is bullying?

Bullying among children is aggressive behavior that is intentional and that involves an imbalance of power or strength.  A child who is being bullied has a hard time defending himself or herself.  Usually, bullying is repeated over time.  Bullying can take many forms, such as hitting or punching (physical bullying); teasing or name-calling (verbal bullying); and sending insulting messages by phone or computer e-mail (cyberbullying).

Effects of Bullying

Bullying can have serious consequences.  Children and youth who are bullied are more likely than other children to

·   Be depressed, lonely, anxious;

·   Have low self-esteem;

·   Be absent from school;

·   Feel sick; and

·   Think about suicide

Reporting Bullying to Parents

Children frequently do not tell their parents that they are being bullied because they are embarrassed, ashamed, frightened of the children who are bullying them, or afraid of being seen as a "tattler."  If your child tells you about being bullied, it has taken a lot of courage to do so.  Your child needs your help to stop the bullying.

What To Do if Your Child is Being Bullied

1.   First, focus on your child.  Be supportive and gather information about the bullying.

·   Never tell your child to ignore the bullying.  What the child may 'hear' is that you are going to ignore it.  If the child were able to simply ignore it, he or she likely would not have told you about it.  Often, trying to ignore bullying allows it to become more serious.  

·   Don't blame the child who is being bullied.  Don't assume that your child id something to provoke the bullying.  Don't say, "What did you do to aggravate the other child?"  

·   Listen carefully to what your child tells you about the bullying.  Ask him or her to describe who was involved and how and where each bullying episode happened.  

·   Learn as much as you can about the bullying tactics used, and when and where the bullying happened.  Can your child name other children or adults who may have witnessed the bullying?  

·   Empathize with your child.  Tell him/her that bullying is wrong, not their fault, and that you are glad he or she had the courage to tell you about it.  Ask your child what he or she thinks can be done to help.  Assure him or her that you will think about what needs to be done and you will let him or her know what you are going to do.  

·   If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don't criticize him or her.  

·   Do not encourage physical retaliation ("Just hit them back') as a solution.  Hitting another student is not likely to end the problem, and it could get your child suspended or expelled or escalate the situation.  

·   Check your emotions.  A parent's protective instincts stir strong emotions.  Although it is difficult, a parent is wise to step back and consider the next steps carefully.  

2.   Contact your child's teacher or principal.

·   Parents are often reluctant to report bullying to school officials, but bullying may not stop without the help of adults.  

·   Keep your emotions in check.  Give factual information about your child's experience of being bullied including who, what, when, where, and how.  

·   Emphasize that you want to work with the staff at school to find a solution to stop the bullying, for the sake of your child as well as other students.  

·   Do not contact the parents of the student(s) who bullied your child.  This is usually a parent's first response, but sometimes it makes matters worse.  School officials should contact the parents of the child or children who did the bullying.  

·   Expect the bullying to stop.  Talk regularly with your child and with school staff to see whether the bullying has stopped.  If the bullying persists, contact school authorities again.

3.   Help your child become more resilient to bullying.

·   Help to develop talents or positive attributes of your child.  Suggest and facilitate music, athletics, and art activities.  Doing so may help your child be more confident among his or her peers.

·   Encourage your child to make contact with friendly students in his or her class.  Your child's teacher may be able to suggest students with whom your child can make friends, spend time, or collaborate on work.

·   Help your child meet new friends outside of the school environment.  A new environment can provide a "fresh start" for a child who has been bullies repeatedly.

·   Teach your child safety strategies.  Teach him or her how to seek help from an adult when feeling threatened by a bully.  Talk about whom he or she should go to for help and role-play what he or she should say.  Assure your child that reporting bullying is not the same as tattling.

·   Ask yourself if your child is being bullied because of a learning difficulty or a lack of social skills?  If your child is hyperactive, impulsive, or overly talkative, the child who bullies may be reacting out of annoyance.  This doesn't make the bullying right, but it may help explain why your child is being bullied.  If your child easily irritates people, seek help from a counselor so that your child can better learn the informal social rules of his or her peer group.

·   Home is where the heart is.  Make sure your child has a sage and loving home environment where he or she can take shelter, physically and emotionally.  Always maintain open lines of communication with your child.

Bully-proofing Your Child for Back to School by Anna Weinstein

In addition to getting new clothes and school supplies, and shaking the dust off those multiplication tables, there's another way parents should prepare their child for the new school year: bully-proofing. Now one of the most widespread problems at schools across the US and Canada, bullying has risen to the top of the priority list for many educators and parents.

Bennett Leventhal, Ph.D., Director of the Center for Child Mental Health and Developmental Neuroscience at the University of Illinois, says the consequences of bullying can include difficulty in school and an increased risk of developing emotional problems and even having suicidal thoughts and behavior. "This is not trivial business," Leventhal says. "People who think that you just have to toughen up your kid and they'll be fine-this just isn't so."

Leventhal explains that the adverse outcomes associated with bullying affects the bullies as well as the kids being bullied. Kids who are bullied sometimes turn into bullies themselves. This is why, Leventhal says, children need to be given guidelines and training to prevent bullying from taking place.

Bullying Prevention

The goal is to create a zero-tolerance environment at school. To do that, schools must teach children that reporting a bullying incident is different from tattling-that it's crucial for them to speak up when they are bullied, or when they witness someone else being bullied.

"Parents need to understand that the solution to bullying is with the parents," Leventhal says. "When parents talk to their kids about this, they need to talk about how they as adults can protect the kids." Leventhal says parents must create an environment where their children feel comfortable telling them about the bullying. If children don't trust their parents and think their parents will make things worse-perhaps by calling the bully's parents or talking to the bully themselves-children will be much less likely to tell their parents.

Finding someone who can help is essential for kids who are bullied, because it brings them to the conclusion that they are not responsible for the bullying, says Bill Belsey, founder of bullying.org. This understanding helps children develop the self-confidence necessary to stand up to a bully.

Parents should also recognize, however, that no matter what they say or how hard they try to create a supportive and safe environment, some children will simply be too scared or intimidated to tell their parents. "Parents should tell their kids that if they are too scared, for whatever reason, to talk to an adult, they need to talk to a friend," Belsey says.

The Silent Majority

Peer support is one of the most important components to addressing bullying, according to Belsey. "Bullying will cease in less than 10 seconds most of the time when peers intervene," Belsey says. "Eighty-five percent of the people affected by bullying are the silent majority. And it's the silent majority who give bullies the power."

Julie Hertzhog, director of the Bullying Prevention Project for the Pacer Center in Minneapolis, agrees that the silent majority exists because kids are so often too frightened to speak up. "We came up with a plan for my son who has Down's syndrome that involved four underground advocates," Hertzhog says. "We gave these students some training in recognizing bullying and told them that their role is to report anonymously if my son was being bullied." The beauty of this plan, Hertzhog explains, is that it gave the children an advocacy method.

But Belsey encourages parents to talk to their children about stepping in immediately if they see someone being bullied. If they're too scared to step in by themselves, they grab a friend and the two of them step in together. "There's power in numbers," Belsey says. "Parents can prepare their children to talk to their friends about how they, together, will get involved if they see someone being bullied."

And Leventhal says one of the best ways parents can help their kids is by getting involved themselves. "There are several very successful programs for community involvement," Leventhal says. "These programs have different types of teaching materials for parents, teachers, and the kids." Leventhal points to the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, developed by Swedish research psychology professor Dan Olweus, as one of the top recognized programs. This program was recently selected as one of the model programs to be used in the US national violence prevention initiative in 1999.

Tips for Bully-proofing Kids

• Remember that children of all ages can experience bullying at school. Leventhal suggests you begin talking to your kids about bullying as early as preschool. Bullying gets really significant in grade school and is typically more physical, but in high school it becomes more subtle with social intimidation, exclusion, and cyberbullying, which includes intimidating e-mails, texts, Facebook messages, etc.

• Create a comfortable place for children to talk to you about their troubles at school, including bullying. Hertzhog suggests you let your children know that they will not be punished for reporting a bullying incident-taking away their cell phone, for instance, because you don't want them receiving threatening texts anymore. Try to make them understand that you will not do anything to make the situation worse; in fact, you will do what it takes to make things better for them.

• Help your children understand the difference between reporting a bullying incident and tattling on a peer. Make sure they understand what bullying is, with many examples of different kinds of bullying.

• Help your children make a plan for what they will do in different situations in the future. Together, designate an adult at school they will go to about a bullying incident.

• Make sure your children understand the power of peer support and the power in numbers. Help them organize a meeting with their friends to discuss bullying, how they will respond to it in the future, and how they will help one another and other kids who are being bullied.

Prepare yourself and your children by visiting web sites such as the National Youth Violence Prevention Center, Stop Bullying Now!, Pacer's National Center for Bullying Prevention, and bullying.org.

Understanding and Dealing With Kids' Bullying Behavior

4therapy.com NETWORK, INC.

Most of us have some less-than-fond memories of being bullied when we were kids--or even of being the bully ourselves. From the perspective of adulthood, it may not make much sense to have intentionally hurt others or, as victims, to have tolerated the brutishness of a bully. However, things are different when you're a kid and are intent on maneuvering for esteemed social positions, vying for peer admiration or attention, or just trying to fit in.

As grown-ups, we want to help our own kids as well as other youngsters in our lives whom we're close to (students, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.) avoid the seemingly senseless and always hurtful situations of bullying or at least to help them better understand just why some kids pick on others.

Just What is a Bully?

Simply put, bullies are those who use negative actions (usually physical or verbal aggression) against others (their victims). Since most research has focused on boys rather than girls, the little we know at this time is that female bullies usually use different tactics than their male counterparts. Girls typically engage in indirect bullying, for instance, teasing, starting and/or spreading rumors or isolating their victims by excluding them from the group. Boys tend to use more outwardly aggressive and direct tactics such as hitting, shoving, fighting, or verbally abusing.
Boys who bully are often the larger, stronger and more aggressive kids. Some studies have found that bullies are perceived of as athletic, good looking, outgoing, and magnetic and are often rated by their peers especially in the elementary school years--as some of the more socially connected kids. This would seem to dispel the myth that bullies are outcasts; researchers suggest that since bullies seem to hang around other aggressive kids (who are often drawn to bullies for both affiliation and protection), they comprise as high as 15% of the school-aged population.

Bullies count on intimidation to both raise and maintain their status within the peer group. While their behavior may be seen to be hurtful to their victims, aggression, especially for boys, is often equated with status and popularity. Throughout the school day, there's a great deal of jockeying by most kids for social resources (attention, friends, allies) and bullies, especially those who assume leadership roles, seem to be those who have learned to use their aggression to maintain their leadership position.

What Makes a Kid Want to Act Like a Bully?

What makes a kid want to act in such hurtful ways? Some kids are bullies because they are bored and crave excitement. Some do it to feel powerful. Some kids who bully turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with a disturbing situation at home, such as divorce or a seriously ill parent. Some bullies have been victims of abuse themselves, either at home or from their peers.

Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. We have to help our children learn healthy and socially acceptable ways ways to cope with urges and anger, and to satisfy their emotional needs appropriately. A big challenge? Yes. But it's part of growing up and becoming an empathetic and responsible person.

Types of Bullying

Hostility and aggression directed toward a victim who is physically or emotionally weaker than the bully are the more obvious signs of bullying. But sometimes bullying behavior is harder to identify how do you distinguish between good-natured ribbing and bullying? One ever-present factor of bullying is that the behavior results in distress and/or pain for the victim.

Tactics of bullying behavior include:

Physical bullying is perhaps the most obvious form of intimidation and can involve kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, and/or hair pulling. Physical bullying can also include making threats, for example, a bully may threaten to punch a child if he or she doesn't give them their homework or allow them to cut in front of them when they're standing in line to be dismissed for recess.

Verbal bullying can include name-calling, persistent teasing, and starting and/or spreading rumors.

Emotional intimidation includes such tactics as deliberately excluding the victim from a desirable group activity such as a birthday party or after-school get together.

Sexual bullying is characterized by unwanted physical contact or abusive comments. For example, many girls experience the humiliation of having their bra strap snapped by a bully or being taunted by sexually suggestive remarks.

Victims of Bullies

Although most of us have been pushed around or verbally berated at some time or another by another kid when we were growing up, there's a select group of kids who seem to be victimized year after year. Bullies will often target someone who is different than others and focus on those differences. Wearing glasses, consistently dressing out-of-fashion, having a distinctly different accent, being overweight or being very thin are all differences that can incite a bully's ridicule.

A child doesn't have to appear physically different from other children to be singled out by a bully. Kids who are perceived of as more anxious, insecure, less popular, more privileged, less privileged, smarter or slower than most of the other kids are picked on significantly more often than those who don't stand out so distinctly.

Recent studies suggest that habitual victims (those who seem to be constantly picked on by bullies) make up slightly higher than 18% of the school-age population. Victims of bullies, especially those who endure teasing or ridicule over an extended period of time, tend to develop problems with self-esteem as well as depression.

Statistically, victims of bullies are not aggressive in return. However, impulsive victims can overreact, which only serves to give the bully exactly what he most wants: attention. When the victim reacts in a highly emotional manner, it can be interpreted by the bully as further provocation and can actually heighten the level of aggression and ridicule.

What You Can Do If Your Son or Daughter is a Bully

"I was called to my 13-year-old son's school today because he stole some money from another boy during lunch. This wasn't the first incident. A few weeks ago, the principal called because Keith made another boy take the blame for graffiti he wrote on the school bus. No matter what we tell him, he constantly seems to get in trouble. What can I do?"

If you learn that your son or daughter is a bully, you may feel a sense of disbelief or even find it impossible that your child is behaving in such a way. Try not to become angry or defensive as this could make a bad situation even worse. While it's not always the case, one recent study showed that kids who bully tend to come from families in which physical aggression is used by parents as a means of discipline, and/or parents who express a consistently negative attitude toward their kids, and/or parents who tolerate aggressive behavior between family members (e.g., siblings persistently taunting, teasing, and tyrannizing one another).

Talk with your son or daughter and ask them to tell you exactly what they've been doing and ask why he or she thinks they resort to bullying and what might help them stop. Ask very detailed questions. For example:

"Did you plan to take the other boy's lunch money beforehand, or was it a sudden urge?"

"Why did you pick on that particular person?"

"What were you thinking of when you did it?" (e.g., I need the money or I'll look cool)

"How did you feel when you did it?" (e.g., excited, thrilled, frightened, powerful)

"How do you think the other boy felt?"

Because bullying can stem from unhappiness or insecurity, try to find out if something is troubling them. Unless they receive help, childhood bullies may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors as adolescents and adults. You need to make clear that you disapprove of bullying. Be firm, but do it in a loving way.

Set a standard--no bullying--and make sure your child understands the consequences for violations of this rule (time-outs, losing privileges, etc.) Help them find productive, un-hurtful ways of reacting to certain situations that usually trigger their impulse to bully and offer an especially positive and understanding attitude toward your child as they work on making these changes.

Make a point of observing your child in one-on-one interactions and praise them for appropriate behaviors. Positive reinforcement can be a powerful form of motivation. Talking to their teacher, coach, principal or other school staff may also help. Let them know your child is trying to change their behavior. Another significant source of supportive help is for you and your child to meet with an educational psychologist or other mental health professional.

As your son or daughter learns to modify his or her behavior, it's important to assure them that you love them--it's their bullying behavior you don't like. Right now your son or daughter needs your unconditional support. By providing this, you will, by example, be helping them develop empathy--the ability to understand how other people feel and to care about others' feelings--in a powerfully positive way.

What You Can Do If Your Child is the Victim of Bullying

The effects of bullying aren't always as obvious as a black eye or a torn shirt. Signs you can look for if you suspect your child is the victim of a bully include the sudden appearance of bruises, missing belongings, or the invention of mysterious illnesses or aches and pains in an attempt to avoid going to school.

Your child may be embarrassed or feel weak by admitting he's the victim of a bully. To make it easier for them to talk about it, consider asking some thoughtful questions, for example, what happens on the playground before or after school or during recess, or what their walk home from school is like. You might also try asking if there are any bullies in the neighborhood who have threatened to hurt any kids your child knows. This approach can make it easier for your child to talk about bullies because they won't necessarily have to talk about their own experiences.

If you learn your son or daughter is being victimized, try not to overreact--you don't want to add to your child's burden with an angry or blaming response that they could then misinterpret as your being critical of or disappointed in them. If your child is being bullied at school, it is important to contact the administration about the problem. One current report shows that when students in schools do not tolerate bullying behavior (report aggressive behavior to school authorities, defend victims, and interrupt bullying behavior) the rates of victimization and bullying decline.

Getting Help Is Key to Ending Bullying and Victimization

Grown-ups in kids lives: parents, teachers, coaches, etc. can unwittingly give implicit tolerance to bullying if they believe that kids must learn to deal with bullies all on their own, or that learning to cope with victimization is a normal part of growing up. It could be that helping your child effectively deal with either being a bully or being a victim will require outside assistance. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that are offered at your child's school or in your community.

The news headlines detailing tragic consequences of unchecked bullying behavior are more than enough of a red flag for letting all of us better appreciate the importance associated with responding quickly to signs of aggression and victimization. Seeking professional help could save your son or daughter from a childhood of grief and misery that will forever affect them. And as difficult as it may be for us to acknowledge, the latest statistics and school violence incidences also show that getting help for bullying behavior could be what saves your child's life.

Bully-Proofing Our Kids
by Michele Borba, Ed.D.  Author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing


 My son's only seven, but he's been coming home upset every day. He says a boy named Mark keeps teasing him. Now the rest of the kids won't play with him because they are afraid Mark will start picking on them, too. He's miserable and doesn't want to go to school. What can I do to help him?

Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound. There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can't prevent the pain insults can cause, we can lessen our kids' chances of becoming victims. In my new book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, I tell parents the best thing to do is teach our kids how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence and will boost their confidence. So the next time your child is upset from teasing, here are a few ideas I suggest you do:

1. Listen and gather facts.
The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child's whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn't stop the bully, you can offer your child a more effective option.

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy.
What may work with one child may not with another, so it's best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves:

• Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: ?That's teasing. Stop it.? or ?Stop making fun of me. It's mean.?
• Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention curriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a nondefensive question: "Why would you say that?" or "Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?"
• Use "I want." Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with "I want" and say firmly what he wants changed: "I want you to leave me along." or "I want you to stop teasing me."
• Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: "You're dumb." Child: "Yeah, but I'm good at it." or Teaser: "Hey, four eyes." Child: "You're right, my eyesight is poor."
• Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: ?Pretend they're invisible,? ?Walk away without looking at them,? ?Quickly look at something else and laugh,? and ?Look completely uninterested.?
• Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he's not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, "You're stupid." The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: "Really?" Other comebacks could be: "So?," "You don't say," "And your point is?," or "Thanks for telling me."

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child.
Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully--and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it's not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

• C - Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don't let him think he's getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, "Chill out!" And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.
• A - Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
• L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.
• M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don't be insulting, threaten or tease back.

Final Thoughts
Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It's up to adults and kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.

© 2001 by Michele Borba.

Nurturing Self-Esteem in Your Child

by Heather Vale Goss

As a new school year begins, so does another opportunity for your child's self-esteem to either soar or falter. Studies have shown that high self-esteem is an important component of academic success.

Issues with self-esteem usually crop up in the preschool years. "In the life of every child, usually sometime between birth and age six, something happens to have the child doubt him or herself. Someone says or does something that has the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy, imperfect," says Joe Rubino, M.D., an author and self-esteem coach.

The problem snowballs from there. "When children buy into the negative opinions about them from others, or interpret the words and actions of others in a way that diminishes their self-esteem or has them believe that they do not measure up to the standards of society, this causes them to look for evidence to reinforce their low self-opinion."

So if they've decided they're stupid, they'll look for instances where others are smarter; if they think they have no talent, they'll look for examples of other kids being more creative.

Jean Marcoux, a motivational speaker, author, and the co-founder of Still Waters International Ministries for underprivileged children, says, "When you speak negative to your children, you may destroy any sense of validity to their lives. You devalue them and may cause them to have low self-esteem that could last throughout their lifetimes."

Marcoux says there are things you should never say to your kids, and things that you should say as often as possible.

Five things never to say to your children:

0. You'll never amount to anything.
0. That was dumb!
0. You're a klutz!
0. I really don't trust you.
0. Why can't you be more like your big brother? He knows what he's doing.

Five things you want to say often to your children:

0. I love you.
0. You'll accomplish great things.
0. It's okay to make mistakes; that's how we learn, and you'll do better next time.
0. Every day, I trust you more and more
0. I'm proud of you!

Besides watching what you say, and how you say it, there are other ways you can help your child have higher self-esteem.

7 things you can do to nurture self-esteem in your children:

0. Love your child unconditionally. "Remind children of their significance and that they are loved and accepted for who they are," says Rubino.
0. Every day, tell your child you appreciate a certain quality she possesses, or an action she took; is she kind to her playmates? Is she helpful around the house? Make sure it doesn't go unnoticed.
0. Help him understand that he's special. "Remind them regularly that everyone has unique gifts. Support them to identify what theirs are," advises Rubino. That may be an artistic talent, or it may just be the ability to smile at others and make them feel good.
0. Give your child opportunities to explore and foster her talents and passions by taking up a special hobby, interest, or activity. Does she love music? Maybe she wants to take piano or drum lessons. Does she enjoy painting? Look into age-appropriate art classes.
0. Allow your child to make his own choices, which gives him confidence. Let him choose which outfit to wear, or which bedtime story to read; for young children, keep the available choices between two or three things.
0. Teach your child that mistakes and problems are okay, and help her learn and discover new ways to do things. "Live by example," adds Rubino. "Acknowledge when you make a mistake, do whatever is necessary to clean it up, and teach children the value of doing the same."
0. Help your child understand that what they do doesn't affect who they are. "Distinguish bad behavior from being a bad person," says Rubino. Did they specifically do what you told them not to do? It's okay to tell your child why that's not acceptable, but be sure to emphasize that they're still a worthy and loveable person.

From Kids Health by Nemours

It takes confidence to be a kid. Whether going to a new school or stepping up to bat for the first time, kids face a lot of uncharted territory.

Naturally, parents want to instill a can-do attitude in their kids so that they'll bravely take on new challenges and, over time, believe in themselves. While each child is a little different, parents can follow some general guidelines to build kids' confidence.

Self-confidence rises out of a sense of competence. In other words, kids develop confidence not because parents tell them they're great, but because of their achievements, big and small. Sure, it's good to hear encouraging words from mom and dad. But words of praise mean more when they refer to a child's specific efforts or new abilities.

When kids achieve something, whether it's brushing their own teeth or riding a bike, they get a sense of themselves as able and capable, and tap into that high-octane fuel of confidence.

Building self-confidence can begin very early. When babies learn to turn the pages of a book or toddlers learn to walk, they are getting the idea "I can do it!" With each new skill and milestone, kids can develop increasing confidence.

Parents can help by giving kids lots of opportunities to practice and master their skills, letting kids make mistakes and being there to boost their spirits so they keep trying. Respond with interest and excitement when kids show off a new skill, and reward them with praise when they achieve a goal or make a good effort.

With plentiful opportunities, good instruction, and lots of patience from parents, kids can master basic skills - like tying their shoes and making the bed. Then, when other important challenges present themselves, kids can approach them knowing that they have already been successful in other areas.

Stay on the Sidelines

Of course, supervision is important to ensure that kids stay safe. But to help them really learn a new skill, it's also important not to hover. Give kids the opportunity to try something new, make mistakes, and learn from them.

For instance, if your son wants to learn how to make a peanut butter sandwich, demonstrate, set up the ingredients, and let him give it a try. Will he make a bit of a mess? Almost certainly. But don't swoop in the second some jelly hits the countertop. In fact, avoid any criticism that could discourage him from trying again. If you step in to finish the sandwich, your son will think, "Oh well, I guess I can't make sandwiches."

But if you have patience for the mess and the time it takes to learn, the payoff will be real. Someday soon he'll be able to say, "I'm hungry for lunch, so I'm going to make my own sandwich." You might even reply, "Great, can you make me one, too?" What a clear sign of your faith in his abilities!

Offer Encouragement and Praise

Sometimes, it won't be you swooping in when your child falters, but your child giving up. Help by encouraging persistence in the midst of frustration. By trying again, kids learn that obstacles can be overcome.

Once kids reach a goal, you'll want to praise not only the end result but also their willingness to stick with it. For instance, after your son has mastered making that peanut butter sandwich you might show your confidence by saying, "Next time, want to learn how to crack an egg?" Sandwich-fixing and egg-cracking might not seem like huge achievements, but they're important steps in the right direction - toward your child's independence.

Throughout childhood, parents have chances to prepare kids to take care of themselves. Sure, it's great to feel needed, but as kids steadily gain confidence and independence, their relationship with you can be even richer. You can be bonded, not just by dependence, but by love and shared pride in all they've achieved. Eventually, your grown-up kids just might say thanks for how prepared they feel for the road ahead - a road they can take with confidence.

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